Night of the Vampire
by incandescens
Summary: Extremely nonserious piece involving vampires. Set vaguely after the Soul Society arc. Now complete.
1. Chapter One

**NIGHT OF THE VAMPIRE**

**CHAPTER ONE**

"Look," Rukia said with weary patience, "vampires don't exist. They are merely a cultural metaphor for the existence of Hollows, attempting to put a human face on an inhuman hunger --"

"She's right," Renji agreed.

"And besides, I was reading that book of Inoue's and it says it's all about a cultural metaphor for sex. All that sucking and licking and exchanging bodily fluids and ripping open bodices and dark cruel splendour and --"

"What book?" Renji asked with interest.

Rukia kicked him in the side of the head. "Will you kindly stop interrupting! Anyhow. There are no vampires, Ichigo. Right?"

"So when the very human-looking Hollow started groaning, "Blood! Blood!" and tried to bite you in the neck?" Ichigo inquired. "That was just --"

"Weird Hollow behaviour," Rukia stated through gritted teeth. "It happens."

---

Grimmjow congratulated himself on his intelligence and charm. He had easily won over the little human girl. She'd never be able to call her powers in time before he ripped open her throat and feasted upon her blood. "Why," he said with a smirk, "of course I'd be glad to taste your special cookery."

Orihime bounced on her toes. "It's my Ultra-Chocolate-Garlic Tempura -- er, is there some reason why you're screaming and running away?"

"He probably doesn't like chocolate," Chad said tactfully.

---

"And furthermore," Rukia added, "there is no way in which vampires can get to Soul Society. If they existed. Which they don't. Because you can't convert a human body to a spiritual one without something like the thing that Urahara set up. And you'd need someone like Urahara to set up something on that scale."

"And thank God there's only one of him," Ichigo said with a sigh of relief.

"Amen," Renji agreed.

---

Yoruichi ignored the saucers of milk which Urahara was trying to distract her with. "What part of your brain -- what futile, demented, syphilitic part of your brain -- thought it would be a good idea to build something that would let vampires get into Soul Society?"

"Should we help the Manager?" Ururu asked plaintively.

"No," Jinta recommended, digging deeper for cover into his improvised foxhole. Several white flags floated above.

"I just wanted to see if it could be done!" Urahara protested. "The advancement of knowledge! The joy of discovery! The wonders of argh!"

Yoruichi licked her claws. "We're going to have to notify Soul Society." She turned to observe the suddenly empty room. "Well, someone's going to have to notify Soul Society. Hm."

---

"So you see," Rukia said firmly, "that there is absolutely no reason to be worrying about vampires."

"Oh, good," said Ichigo. "So mind telling us why you're carrying that pointed wooden stick as well as your zanpakutou?"

"Freelance rabbit roasting."

"Right."

---

That night, an eerie darkness covered the moon. Strange noises drifted through the streets of Karakura. Padding feet chased Uryuu Ishida through the darkness, growing ever closer as he stumbled down the shadowed streets.

_I'll never make it_, he thought, and then, _I must._

Glass shattered. He scrambled through the broken window into the school gym, and collapsed next to the sports supplies.

A lean figure leapt through the window gracefully after him, and paused, one hip tilted menacingly. Moonlight glittered on a smirking face and pointed teeth. "Finished running yet, Quincy?"

Ishida's hand closed around a shaft of wood, and he took a long breath. "I don't need to run from the likes of you," he said. "Who are you?"

"Me? I'm Grimmjow Jagger Jack. I'm the right hand of Aizen-sama. He says kill, I kill. He says rip apart messily, I rip apart messily. He says bite someone and turn them into your vampire slave for eternity . . ." Grimmjow licked his fangs. "I bite."

"And you think you can just bite me?" Ishida sneered. "You think I'm just going to bare my neck for you and go weak at the knees as your fangs pierce my pale skin?"

"Well, yeah." Grimmjow sauntered forward. "See, we know that you lost your Quincy powers. I figure you'll make a nice little appetiser. I go for the glasses, you know?"

Ishida brought his hands up. One hand was already round the bowshaft, the other was nocking the arrow. He fired in a single motion.

"Oh, _fuck_," Grimmjow said, and exploded in a cloud of dust.

Ishida sighed. He supposed he was now going to have to go and save everyone else. Still, saving Kurosaki Ichigo from the drooling fangs of a vampire -- or saving a very grateful Inoue Orihime -- both had points to recommend them.

---

"Awww." Rukia clasped her hands together and sighed deeply. "Just look."

A plump white bunny rabbit sat on the edge of the sidewalk, the end of a pale leaf of undefined vegetation dangling limply from the corner of its mouth. It looked up at the three shinigami, and the streetlamps tinted its eyes red.

"Tasty," Renji commented, licking his lips. "What you do is, you rub it all over with rock salt and then wrap it in leaves and bury it under the fire till --"

"Bah." Rukia kicked him. "You are not eating this tender little bunny! Look at its eyes. Look at its ears." She walked across. The bunny didn't try to move. "See how tame it is! The poor thing must have escaped from someone. We need to take care of it."

Ichigo performed a tactical movement that he had become quite adept in, known as the Silent Withdrawal To Let Renji Get Shouted At.

"Rukia," Renji said, fulfilling Ichigo's expectations, "you can't walk off with someone else's bunny rabbit like that. They might want to eat it."

"Philistine," Rukia hissed. "Cad. Bunny-hater."

The bunny whiffled its nose.

"Don't touch that bunny!" came a scream. All three turned to see Orihime and Chad running towards them, waving their arms.

"Don't worry," Rukia said reassuringly. She bent down to pick up the bunny, holding it against her chest. It cuddled up against her, blinking softly.

"No!" Orihime's bosom heaved as she hyperventilated. "My carrots! My spinach! My radishes! That bunny -- is a vampire bunny!"

"It's -- what?" Ichigo asked in the sudden silence.

"It's a vampire bunny!" Orihime pointed an accusing finger at the snow-white lapine. "Just look at it! Those beady eyes! Those curved fangs! I caught it sucking at my beetroots, and I chased it round the kitchen with Tsubaki, but it escaped!"

Renji leaned over to mutter in Ichigo's ear, "Is "sucking at my beetroots" modern slang that I ought to know?"

"No," Ichigo muttered back. "Thug."

"Moron."

"Stray dog."

"Dandelion."

Chad pulled them apart.

"If you two have quite finished," Orihime said, folding her arms, "we need to rescue Kuchiki-san from the evil mesmerising gaze of the bunny!"

Rukia didn't seem to have noticed. She was cuddling the bunny happily, and had sat down on the kerb in order to fondle it better. "Aren't you a sweet lovely bunny," she murmured. "Aren't you a cute itsy bitsy fluffy wuffy bunny. Awww, you're nuzzling my neck and everything."

"See!" Orihime declared. "She's clearly hypnotised by its evil powers."

"She'll kill us," Renji pointed out.

"Yes, but you're dead already," Orihime said with unassailable logic.

"Oh, get out of my way." Ichigo stalked forward, grabbed the rabbit by the scruff of its neck, and dragged it out of the screaming Rukia's clutches. "Look, it's just a --"

The bunny shimmered in midair, and warped to the form of a pale young man with a half-mask helmet, heavy eye makeup, and bared fangs. "Curse you, Kurosaki!" he hissed. "Before I could taste her blood!"

Ichigo's jaw sagged open. He stood there blankly.

"And let go of my collar!" the vampire added, dragging himself loose. "This is all so inexpressibly depressing. When Master Ichimaru told me that I would have a suitable animal form in which to stalk the night, he didn't say what it was going to be."

"Master Ichimaru?" Renji snarled.

"Yes!" the vampire hissed. "Servant of the great Lord Aizen whose shoes I, the humble Arrankar Ulquiorra, am not worthy to lick --"

"Have you tried shoe polish?" Orihime asked helpfully. "I mean, licking totally destroys good leather boots. What you need to do is --"

"And you!" the vampire hissed at her. "Prepare to receive the Dark Embrace and to join the ranks of those who must stalk the night eternally, thirsting for the rich sexual thrill of blood --"

A screaming mass of shinigami robes and wooden stake hit him mid-back, knocking him to the ground. "MY BUNNY!" Rukia shrieked, pounding her stake into him. "WHERE DID YOU TAKE MY BUNNY!"

"Er." Renji had to clear his throat several times. "Rukia, you're stabbing a pile of dust, did you notice?"

Rukia stood up slowly, dusting the ex-vampire off her hands and sleeves and knees with the air of a cat trying to pretend that the unfortunate incident involving the cream and the top shelf had never happened. "All right," she said coldly. "I am prepared to concede that vampires may possibly exist."

"Indeed they do." All turned to see Yoruichi standing there in human form, her arms folded. "And they may have reached Soul Society. We must act now, or all Seireitai may be lost!"

---

They had assembled at Urahara's shop. Ishida had joined them, carrying bow and arrows and looking rather disappointed at the lack of nearby vampires.

"Well," Urahara said, rubbing at a surprising number of bandages, "I clearly need to send an urgent warning to Soul Society."

"Hey, wait," Ichigo interrupted. "Why do _we_ need to warn _them_?"

"Because," Yoruichi said coldly, back in her cat form, "some moron, who might by chance be sitting a few inches away from my claws, happened to create a way for vampires to get there."

Ishida snorted. "Can't they look after themselves? Thousands of shinigami -- what do they need us for? They're a disciplined fighting force."

Yoruichi studied the ceiling. "Well, yes, one _could_ argue that. One could also argue that they're an argumentative, divisive, oversexed bunch of overconfident fools who easily got penetrated last time by four teenagers and a cat."

Chad sighed. "We go now?"

Ichigo started to speak, then hastily rephrased as he saw how Yoruichi was studying her claws. "But what about the whole gate thing?"

"Oh, that." Urahara shrugged. "I can have it up and running in ten minutes."

"Didn't it take you days last time?" Orihime asked innocently.

Urahara waved his fan desperately. "Couldn't possibly explain the spiritual principles involved. Far too complex."

"Lot of fresh blood on the cat's claws," Renji commented sotto voce to Ichigo.

"It's the bandages we can't see that worry me," Ichigo muttered back.

Renji crossed his legs nervously.

"So," Rukia said firmly, "we just get there, pass the alert, and take any necessary steps?"

"Precisely!" Urahara declared with an air of relief. "Shouldn't take more than a few minutes. Just remember; stick together, don't do anything stupid, don't split up, and don't go off with any vampires, whatever they say to you. Remember that vampirism is very contagious, and it'd only take a few moments of intense passionate blood-filled sensual contact to argh."

Yoruichi withdrew her claws. "We are leaving in fifteen minutes. Everyone get ready."

---


	2. Chapter Two

**NIGHT OF THE VAMPIRE**

**CHAPTER TWO**

It was a dark and cloudy night in Soul Society. Shinigami patrols walked the streets on their customary routes, unaware of the horror which would soon reach out to touch the farthest corners of Seireitai.

Fortunately for Yoruichi and her volunteers, they arrived outside Seireitai, in the same location as they had done previously.

Ishida had managed to save his bow and arrows from damage on landing. He had done so by collapsing on top of Ichigo, who had collapsed on top of Renji, who had collapsed on top of Rukia, who would have been complaining very loudly if she had any breath left in her body.

"Yes," Orihime commiserated as they extricated themselves, "but just think how much worse it would have been if Chad had landed on top of you!"

Chad grunted, and pointed towards the gate location. "You think that Jidanbou's going to let us through this time?"

"If not," Yoruichi said grimly, " _he_ can take the message."

Ishida's eyes narrowed. "Yoruichi-san, there isn't something that you're not telling us about what tends to happen to bearers of bad news around here?"

"Perish the thought," Yoruichi said briskly. "Now let's get a move on."

---

Inside the walls (Jidanbou had not only let them in, he had pushed them through and then vanished with remarkable speed) Soul Society seemed much as usual.

"We oughta head for Sixth Division," Renji suggested. "The Captain'll want to know about this."

"Thirteenth might be closer," Rukia pointed out. "If we split into two groups, then we can spread the alert that much faster. Though it doesn't look as if Aizen or anyone else is here yet . . ."

Indeed, all was dark and quiet, apart from the screams and flaring lights coming from Eleventh Division; but that was perfectly normal, as Yoruichi had reminded them, and hardly a sign of incipient invasion.

"Okay," Ichigo declared. "I'll take Rukia and Orihime, and we'll go and alert Thirteenth. Renji, you take Chad and Yoruichi and Ishida --"

"Didn't Urahara say something about not splitting up?" Orihime asked. "Not that I mind going on a heroic adventure with you, Kurosaki-kun, but what if it's a bad idea?"

Renji snorted. "At the moment, I'm not sure I'd trust anything that fucking Urahara said. What does he know about vampires, anyhow?"

Yoruichi licked behind a shoulderblade. "Good point. You don't want to hear about that business in California."

"How can we tell if someone's a vampire?" Ishida asked hastily. He'd been worrying about this for a while now. "Are the pointy fangs a definite, or can they hide them?"

Rukia began counting off on her fingers. "Pointed teeth, burning eyes, pale skin, unnatural sexual attractiveness --"

"Ooh yes!" Orihime added. "They make you want to go weak at the knees and surrender yourself to their vile embraces and when they sink their teeth into your neck, it's like --"

Ishida flushed. "I'm sure that's just propaganda," he said. "They probably just say so in order to get groupies."

Renji snorted. "Load of crap. Nothing sexy about it at all. Vampires are just pale underfed thin types who even Rukia could -- ow ow ow shit Rukia mmpfh."

"Thirteenth Division is this way, right?" Ichigo asked as he dragged Rukia off Renji's bleeding body.

Chad sighed. "No. It's that way." When everyone looked at him, he added, "I memorised a map. Last time. In case we ended up coming back."

---

Rukia led the way through the maze of streets, glancing nervously from side to side each time they passed a crossroads.

"You know," Ichigo said thoughtfully, "last time we were out here, we were being chased by those Eleventh Division lunatics."

"But they were so nice!" Orihime protested. "Ikkaku-chan was really kind, and Yumichika-chan used to say all these flattering things about how beautiful I was, and --"

There was a crash from ahead of them. With catlike reflexes, Rukia leapt into the shadows to take cover, then slapped her head as she realised the other three were simply standing there and staring.

Captain Zaraki Kenpachi stood there, silhouetted against a burning chunk of building, brandishing his sword, holding off what looked like most of Eleventh Division, all of whom were displaying flashing white fangs. "Come on!" he yelled, laughing. "A decent fight at last! Come on, the lot of you . . ."

Yachiru landed with a bump on Ichigo's shoulder. "Icchy-chan! Oo! Ken-chan will be so pleased to see you!"

"Isn't he a bit busy at the moment?" Ichigo said hastily. "I wouldn't want to interrupt another good fight."

"Awww." Yachiru pouted. "You're so thoughtful." She flashed little fangs.

Orihime gasped. "Yachiru! You're a vampire!"

Yachiru blinked. "Is that what it's called?"

"But how did it happen?" Rukia asked, emerging from the shadows.

Yachiru put her hand under her chin, looking thoughtful. "Well, earlier this evening that Hanatarou guy came round from Fourth Division and he said that everyone had to have a vaccination, and he set up a booth, and you had to put your arm through under the curtain, and then he stuck a needle into it or something. But Ken-chan hasn't had his yet! I'm going to go and scold him!"

Ichigo frowned. "Isn't that cheating?" he asked Rukia.

"Well." Rukia shrugged. "It is Hanatarou. Can you imagine him biting someone's neck?"

"He said he had indigestion when I saw him later," Yachiru added.

"Oh, look!" said Ichigo hastily, and pointed at the middle distance. "A challenger for Captain Zaraki!"

Yachiru bounded off with a squeal of delight.

"This way," Rukia said, and they ran.

---

"Captain!" Renji exclaimed joyfully

Kuchiki Byakuya regarded them with a glassy stare. His scarf drifted in the night wind, and the moonlight turned his pale skin to white jade. "Renji," he whispered.

Ishida squinted. "Is he always that pale?" he whispered to Yoruichi.

"Renji," Kuchiki Byakuya intoned, and extended a beckoning finger. Fangs glinted as he spoke.

Ishida took cover behind Chad.

"I, um . . ." Renji seemed to be swallowing. "I have to challenge Captain Kuchiki alone. Matter of honour. Why don't the rest of you just go and alert someone else."

"Shouldn't we help you?" Chad asked. "What if --"

"No no no," Renji said hastily, eyes riveted on the approaching gliding form of Kuchiki Byakuya. "It's a shinigami thing, you wouldn't understand. Have to tackle him single-handedly and go down, um, take him down, that's right, why don't you just go and leave the two of us alone."

Yoruichi rolled her eyes. "Come along," she said, assuming human form and grabbing Chad and Ishida by their collars.

There was a distinct lack of shikai, bankai, or other fighting noises as they left.

---

They ran into Captain Hitsugaya as he came out of the gateway of Tenth Division. He lay there as Ichigo dragged Rukia off him, quivering gently, eyes haunted by some ghastly horror that he had experienced.

"Hitsugaya-kun?" Orihime asked, administering several therapeutic shakes. "Are you all right?"

The Captain's eyes fixed on her bosom, crossed, recrossed, and finally returned to normal. "V-v-vampires . . ." he gasped.

"Excuse me." Ichigo leaned in, peeled back Hitsugaya's upper lip, and checked his canine length. "Still human. Okay."

"She came towards me," Hitsugaya gasped, "with her fangs bared and her tongue licking her red lips, and her arms open to draw me into her embrace! But I could resist her breasts! I could look away! I fled when another man would have stayed and had his blood drained in her evil vampiric arms!"

"I think she's coming after him," Rukia reported, peering round the gateway into the Tenth Division Compound. "Oh, wait, she's stopped to drag Ichimaru Gin back into the bedroom."

"Let's try another Division," Ichigo said hastily. "Which would you suggest, Hitsugaya?"

Hitsugaya straightened. "We must go to Fourth! If they're working on this vampirism thing, they'll be doing it there. Besides, I must protect Hinamori!"

---

"We could try Eighth," suggested Chad, who had been much impressed by Captain Kyouraku's style, mercy, broad shoulders, and alcohol consumption.

"It's a thought," Yoruichi agreed. "We'd better stay off the streets, though. Come here, you two."

Leaping across the rooftops, the three of them headed towards Eighth Division.

"I have an idea," Yoruichi stated, in a way that made it clear it was not merely an idea, it was the new policy. "Instead of trying to get in through the main gates, we'll go directly to the Captain's quarters. That should make things quicker."

"Won't he object to being disturbed?" Ishida queried.

"Don't worry," Yoruichi said. "He'll probably still be up with some alcohol and a -- that is, I'll go first and you two don't look in until I've given the all clear."

Stealthily they leapt down from the roof and crept along several walkways. Chad found it somewhat surprising that Yoruichi knew the way despite not having been here for decades, but decided not to ask her about it when Ishida made a number of urgent hand signals at him.

Yoruichi halted at a particular door, then leaned forward to read the sign attached to it. The two young men peered over her shoulder.

**BEING VAMPIRISED. DO NOT DISTURB. VICE-CAPTAIN ISE NANAO.**

Chad and Ishida gasped. "We must save her!" Chad growled.

"From the lecherous clutches of that vile monster her Captain!" Ishida added. He'd always liked that particular Vice-Captain. Perhaps it was the glasses.

"Just a moment." Yoruichi carefully took hold of the edge of the door, and eased it slightly open, then peered round it. Her eyes widened.

"Is it all a cunning ploy meant to distract vampires?" Ishida asked hopefully.

"No," Yoruichi said, shutting the door again, "but unfortunately Rukia's not going to have any luck finding Ukitake at home either. I suggest we go and enquire somewhere else."

Ishida turned bright scarlet. "You don't mean . . ."

"She does," Chad stated, opening the door to look.

"Stop that!" Yoruichi smacked his hand. The door slid shut.

"But that's awful!" Ishida gasped, wriggling round to try and see.

"Out of here, now," Yoruichi said through gritted teeth, dragging them away.

---

Ichigo and his cohorts ended up rediverting to Thirteenth Division again because, as Rukia pointed out, it was closer than Fourth Division, and if they didn't then she was going to go and report to Captain Ukitake on her own and it'd be all Ichigo's fault if he ended up being set upon by beautiful female vampires without her there and having his blood drained in unspeakable sensual rapture. Orihime found this argument extremely convincing, and Ichigo gave in rather sulkily.

However, as they approached the gates of Thirteenth Division, they saw the two Third Seats loitering there -- and worse, that both of them were flashing pointy fangs. They were, however, still arguing.

"It's too late," Hitsugaya hissed, dragging Rukia back round the corner. "We can't get in there now. And if they've been turned into vampires, then so will Ukitake have been!"

"Why can't we just go and ask them?" Orihime suggested cheerfully.

"Because we're not vampires, Inoue," Ichigo pointed out.

"But we could pretend to be!" Orihime chirped. "I mean, it's just the teeth, isn't it?"

There was a pause as they looked at each other.

A few minutes later, with some hastily-manufactured ice fangs, the four of them approached Third Seat Kotetsu and Third Seat Kotsubaki. Rukia, in the lead, waved a cheerful if somewhat nervous hand.

"Kuchiki!" Third Seat Kotsubaki greeted her with a sharp-toothed grin. "How good to see you've joined us in the eternal ranks of blood-thirsting damnation!"

Third Seat Kotetsu nodded happily. "And I got bitten by Captain Ukitake first!"

"Oh no you didn't," Kotsubaki hissed. "He bit me first."

"Didn't."

"Did."

Rukia coughed. "Ah, can I ask the current status of the, um, great crusade against the living and the eternal conquest of sensual night?"

"Oh, I think most of the Divisions have been at least moderately affected now," Kotetsu replied. "The only ones that haven't really been touched yet are First and Twelfth."

"First I can understand," Ichigo commented, "but why Twelfth?"

Kotsubaki glanced to left and right before lowering his voice. "Would _you_ really want to drink Captain Kurotsuchi's blood?"

"You have a point," Rukia conceded.

"But what about Fourth?" Hitsugaya broke in. "What about poor helpless innocent Hinamori!"

Kotetsu and Kotsubaki coughed and exchanged meaningful glances. Kotsubaki eventually said, "Well, she was looking much more cheerful after those hours that Captain Aizen spent in private with her, even if he was looking awfully drained . . ."

"How romantic," Orihime breathed, pressing her hands to her bosom.

"Hinamori!" Hitsugaya screamed in pain. "I must rescue her from eternal damnation! Curse the fiend!"

There was a pause.

"Your fangs just fell out, Captain Hitsugaya," Kotetsu said.

Kotsubaki reached forward and peeled back Rukia's lip. "And yours are melting."

"Secret ninja fangs," Ichigo said hastily. "We're on an undercover mission to impersonate normal humans."

"Oh," Kotsubaki said, temporarily appeased. "Right."

"And we have to be going," Orihime said, grabbing the struggling Hitsugaya. "We'll be glad to see you later, give our love to Captain Ukitake . . ."

They made it halfway down the street before there was a yell of fury as the Third Seats caught on, and they managed to lose them around a corner a few minutes later.

---

Making their way along the rooftops, Yoruichi and her escorts sighted a disconsolate Kira Izuru sitting broodingly by the side of the road.

"He must be a vampire," Ishida hissed, aiming an arrow. "I think I can take him out from here --"

"We ought to check," Chad said disapprovingly. "What if he didn't get bitten?"

"Easy enough," Yoruichi said, and held Ishida in front of her, ignoring his frantic struggles as she exposed his neck. "Hey! Vice-Captain Kira Izuru! Want some nice fresh blood?"

Kira looked up gloomily. "Oh. Good evening, Shihouin Yoruichi, gentlemen. No, thank you. I don't want any blood."

"There you go," said Yoruichi, putting Ishida down. "Look, no fangs."

Ishida jumped down from the rooftop, and settled his capes. "But -- that is, one rather assumed that --"

Kira sniffed. "Captain Ichimaru didn't bite me. He went to bite Matsumoto Rangiku instead." His lip quivered. "He told me that if I stayed at home like a good boy and kept myself all nice and untouched for him, maybe later he'd come by . . ."

"You shouldn't put up with that sort of thing," Ishida said, with sudden sympathy. "Nobody should have to be second choice like that."

Chad nodded. "Perhaps if you found some sort of way to show him you cared . . ."

Kira's eyes glittered with a manic, psychotic light. "Nothing says, "I care," like a stake in the back. I've got one I'm sharpening just for him."

"Children," Yoruichi said, "let us go somewhere else. Twelfth Division, perhaps. The situation is getting desperate."

---


	3. Chapter Three

**NIGHT OF THE VAMPIRE**

**CHAPTER THREE**

"Oh no," Nemu said in a monotone. She was loitering by the corner of an alley, directly under a lamp. An unobtrusive leash was attached round one ankle, leading into the darkness of the alley. "Oh dear, I have sprained my knee and I cannot run away from vampires. Oh what shall I do."

"We must save her!" Hitsugaya cried, dashing down the street towards her.

Captain Kurotsuchi stepped out of the shadows and raised one hand. "Captain Hitsugaya, will you _please_ go away! How am I supposed to conduct serious scientific experiments under these conditions?"

"But --" Hitsugaya stuttered. "Your daughter --"

"How else am I supposed to get specimens?" Kurotsuchi asked. "These wonderful vampire creatures keep on avoiding me."

Ichigo strolled over to join the conversation, leaving Rukia and Orihime in hiding. "Does that mean you haven't got any ways of curing them?"

Kurotsuchi blinked. "Cure?" He rolled the word, tasting it. "Cure. _Cure._ What a strange concept."

Yoruichi landed next to them with a soft scuff of flash steps, and deposited the quivering Chad and Ishida on the ground from where she had been carrying them. "Ah. No help here, then?"

"Vampire . . ." Ishida shouted, pointing a finger, then an arrow, at Kurotsuchi. "Quick! Dispose of him now!"

Kurotsuchi sneered. "You think to taunt me with the fact that I have not been bitten. I see through you, Quincy."

"Look at him!" Ishida implored, as Chad put him in an armlock and took the bow and arrows off him. "The unnatural, scientific, remorseless leering eyes! The pallid skin! He's clearly a vampire and must be wiped out!"

Kurotsuchi sniffed. "I will not submit to your provocations. I will find a way to get bitten and examine the vampire state!"

"Of course," Yoruichi said casually, "Urahara Kisuke himself hasn't been able to find a way to restore a vampire to normal life. I quite understand that if he hasn't, you couldn't . . ."

"Urahara?" Kurotsuchi licked away the green foam that began to bubble at the corners of his mouth. "That charlatan? That villain? That fool? That lesser being? That coward? That --"

"Don't worry," Yoruichi said, turning away and gesturing to the others to accompany her. "We won't bother you any further."

"You _dare_ compare me to that moron?" Kurotsuchi brandished a small vial in one hand. "Why, creating a serum that would remedy the vampire state was the work of a moment for a genius like myself! Easily administered, too, diluted in water by physical contact! Nobody but myself could have thought of it!"

Ishida, relieved of Chad's grip together with his bow and arrows, strolled across quietly to check on Nemu. She was still as pretty as ever. Her huge dark eyes, her dainty body, her long legs, her red lips, her white fangs --

"So let me get this straight," Yoruichi said. "We simply dilute this in water, sprinkle it on the vampires, and they will be restored to their normal selves?"

"Precisely!" Kurotsuchi declared. "Of course, there may be a few minor side-effects -- Nemu! Put that Quincy down at once! Bad experiment! Bad experiment!"

Ichigo tried to ignore the noises coming from Nemu and Ishida. If Kurotsuchi's concoction worked, Ishida would be fixed. If not, they were all doomed anyhow. "But how would we deliver it across the whole of Soul Society --"

"Easy," Rukia interrupted from behind him. "Someone whose name I will _not_ mention at this point says do you remember the thing about seeding rainstorms that you did last month in school and don't you know someone who owns a big firework cannon?"

"Aha!" Yoruichi snatched the vial out of Kurotsuchi's hand in a single movement and was halfway across the street before they could blink. "See you all you-know-where!" she called as she fled.

"Thief!" Kurotsuchi fumed. "Dolt!" He took a firm grip on his sword. "You shall perish at my bankai --"

"Sit in the frozen sky, Hyourinmaru!" Hitsugaya declared from behind him, and doused him in a pile of ice.

Ichigo blinked. "Very fast reactions," he congratulated the Captain.

"And amazingly therapeutic, too." Hitsugaya eyed his sword. "Perhaps I should consider doing this more often . . ."

There was a howling and screaming in the background, growing closer by the second.

"It's vampires!" Orihime ran to join them. "Lots of vampires! And I think they want our blood!"

"Go." Chad took Ichigo by the shoulders and pointed him in the direction that Yoruichi had vanished. "We'll hold them off. You need to get there and help Yoruichi with the cure."

"You do." Hitsugaya moved to stand shoulder to shoulder with Chad. "We should be able to slow them down. It's not as if their fiendish wiles will be able to affect me."

Ichigo hesitated.

"Let's go," Rukia said. "Chad and Captain Hitsugaya are right. If we can get the cure transmitted, then everyone will be fixed. If not, then it won't matter where or when we get the blood sensually drawn from our veins and are turned into lustful creatures of the night."

"She's right," Orihime said, taking Ichigo by the wrist. "Come on! Now!"

Ichigo nodded, and the three of them ran, leaving Chad and Hitsugaya barring the way behind them.

Nemu quietly removed the leash from her ankle. It was getting in the way of her involvement with Quincy Ishida. She'd never realised that experiments could be this much fun.

---

Ichigo, Rukia, and Orihime hurried across the countryside towards Shiba Kuukaku's house. Ichigo led the way, praying that he was remembering it correctly, while Rukia carried Orihime in her arms as they sped across the grass.

"How come the shinigami who can do those leg flashing things haven't caught up with us?" Orihime asked, nervously peering over Rukia's shoulder.

"Flash steps," Rukia corrected her. "Possibly their nature as vampires is impairing their normal shinigami control."

"Or maybe -- they're just -- drawing out the agony," Ichigo panted.

"Really, Ichigo, don't be an idiot," Rukia snorted. "What sort of sensible person would risk losing and draw out a fight simply to enjoy the other person's terror? Besides Captain Zaraki," she added hastily. "Or most of Eleventh Division. Or -- oh, very well."

"Can't we try and hold them off?" Orihime suggested. "We could use garlic!"

"The problem would be getting some this time of night. Or --"

Ichigo wordlessly pointed to the fence at the edge of the Shiba property, which had been newly decorated with cloves of garlic and signs saying **VAMPIRES WILL BE SHOT INTO THE SKY AND SET FIRE TO.**

"Ooh!" Orihime clapped her hands together. "Shiba Kuukaku is so cool!"

"Kurosaki!" Aizen's voice came swelling from behind them just as they crossed the boundary. "Do you honestly think you can escape?"

Ichigo was about to turn and dash back and defeat the vampire heroically when Orihime grabbed him by one shoulder and Rukia grabbed him by the other.

"He wants you to cross the garlic boundary!" Rukia hissed.

"He's cheating!" Orihime whispered disapprovingly.

From the Shiba Mansion came a rhythmic groaning and whimpering as the two household minions levered the cannon into position.

"We need to buy time," Ichigo whispered to the others. He took a pace forward, sword drawn, to survey the Aizen-led mob of vampires. Among the throng he could see most of the shinigami they had already met. With fangs.

"Why don't you come out and discuss the matter rationally," Aizen suggested, his voice smooth as velvet.

"Do you think we're stupid?" Ichigo inquired.

"Oi!" Renji waved from where he was standing next to Kuchiki Byakuya. "Rukia! Get your ass over here! You and I and your brother have a date and you're dessert! Don't make me wait any longer to drain your rich tasty blood!"

"Go sit and swivel, you moron!" Rukia shouted back. "Do you think it's some sort of ambition of mine to bare my neck so that you can sink your fangs into it?"

"Rukia." Byakuya's voice echoed. "This is an order from your elder brother. Come here and join us in the ranks of the undead."

Rukia hesitated.

"Hey!" Ichigo yelled. "I thought we'd been through this before! No killing younger sisters, no handing them over to execution, and definitely no turning them into vampires!"

Byakuya folded his arms. "We could have a rematch."

"Just you hold it right there," Ichigo said, starting forward, and Orihime and Rukia had to drag him back again, kicking him several times in the process.

"Inoue-san!" Ishida was waving from the crowd, with Kurotsuchi Nemu draped around his shoulders. "I've sprained my ankle! Could you come and have a look at it?"

"Of course -- oh, wait a moment!" Orihime shook a finger at Ishida. "That's really mean of you, Ishida-kun, trying to play on my sympathy to get me to cross the line of garlic."

Ishida hung his head. "I know it was. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course!" Orihime beamed like the sun. "Now just stay there and I'll -- sorry, Ichigo, I nearly forgot, you can let go of me now."

Money could be observed changing hands among the vampirised Eleventh Division present.

"This could all be much simpler," Aizen suggested gently, his eyes gleaming like rubies. "You three may return to the mortal world. I will not try to hinder you. I will even send your friends back with you. All you need to do is stand back and remove the garlic -- incidentally, what precisely is going on over there?"

Behind him, in the mob, Kurotsuchi Nemu raised a polite hand. "I believe they are attempting to distribute an anti-vampire antidote, Aizen-sama."

Aizen turned to look at her. "You might have mentioned that earlier," he said reprovingly.

Nemu dropped her eyes. "I didn't like to speak out of turn," she said meekly, "and you were busy with Ukitake-taichou, and Unohana-taichou, and Soi Fong, and Hinamori, and . . ."

"Yes, yes," Aizen interrupted. "But do you have any suggestions about crossing that garlic?"

"Do you think it's nearly ready?" Ichigo hissed to Orihime.

"I think it must be," Orihime whispered back. "Look, Shiba Kuukaku's stripped naked and is dancing round the cannon . . . you can stop looking now, Ichigo."

Ichigo swallowed and tried not to have a nosebleed. This was not the time to be exciting the vampires by dripping blood in front of them.

"Don't worry, Aizen-taichou," Ichimaru Gin drawled, thrusting a cringing Kira Izuru forward. "I've got just the solution. Kira here hasn't been turned yet. Now you're going to go right over that barrier and deal with those annoying bits of garlic for us, aren't you, Kira-kun?"

Kira turned a dewy-eyed gaze of fascinated worship on Gin. "Of course, Captain."

"Don't do it, Kira!" Rukia called. "He's using you! He won't really bite you afterwards!"

"'Course I will," Gin reassured his vice-captain. "And I'm sure you'll be very tasty."

Ichigo stepped forward. "He's not going to get the chance. Because the moment he steps over this barrier, I'm going to kick his ass. I've fought Zaraki Kenpachi. I've fought Kuchiki Byakuya. I can handle this."

"You didn't beat me," Aizen said, folding his arms in a meaningful and understated way.

"You cheated," Ichigo said, pointing a finger.

Aizen shook his head gently.

"You used your hypnosis shikai thing."

"These pitiful excuses made by people who just can't handle the fact that they've lost," Aizen remarked aside to Gin, who nodded understandingly.

"I'll show you," Ichigo declared, and vaulted over the garlic-hung border fence before remembering why this was a bad idea.

He was promptly swarmed by a large number of vampire shinigami before he could even get his sword in the guard position. For a moment they were clambering on top of him, grabbing for his throat and wrists -- then they were swept back in a surge of light, and he could hear Orihime shouting something about heavenly barriers and protection, and he staggered to his feet, getting his breath back. But now he was cut off from the fence and surrounded.

He could almost hear Zangetsu making sardonic comments at the back of his mind.

"Looks like it's snacktime," Ichimaru Gin said, stepping forward. Behind him, Kira's eyes were wide and betrayed.

There was a crash as the cannon fired into the clouded sky, and a sudden hushed silence after it as everyone waited to see if something was going to happen.

Nothing did.

"Well." Aizen shrugged. "It seems your gambit has failed, and you are about to discover a new and exciting existence as a member of the undead. Do you have any preferences as to who bites you?"

"Only the person who can beat me in a fight!" Ichigo growled, brandishing his sword.

Aizen glanced across towards the fence. "Inoue-kun, would you mind lowering that shield of yours, please? Kurosaki here wants to fight us."

"I will not!" Orihime declared. "But -- but -- if you let him go, I'll come over and you can bite me instead!"

"Delighted," Aizen said cordially. "Just climb over here, please -- Kuchiki Rukia, would you mind not holding her back and slapping her head? Can't you see that you're all doomed, and you may as well accept it gracefully?"

There was a low ominous rumble of thunder and flicker of lightning.

---

Kira's mouth set in a thin snarl as he watched his Captain close in on Kurosaki Ichigo. This wasn't fair. He wasn't going to endure it a moment longer. Being passed over again like that.

His hand closed round the stake in his sash, and he drew it out. But he couldn't bring himself to look at that familiar muscled back, those adored shoulders. With a strangled sob, head turned away, he raised the stake and brought it down.

There was an odd solidity to the impact.

"Who," growled Captain Zaraki Kenpachi, "just stuck a stake in me?"

Kira instantly registered three things. The first was that he had hit the wrong person. The second was that the stake had struck the Eleventh Division Captain lower down than it would have his own Captain, ergo the lack of immediate death and explosion into dust. The third was that he was about to be strangled and torn limb from limb.

He bolted like a rabbit, diving across the garlic-hung fence without a second thought. Zaraki pursued, but was repelled by the garlic, trampling over Ichimaru Gin on the way without even noticing it and grinding the other Captain into the mud.

"Bye bye," Gin groaned, and expired.

---

The first few drops of rain were barely noticeable, but then the heavens opened and water came tumbling down. Shinigami fell to the earth as it hit them, moaning and gasping, their robes plastered to their bodies by the thundering elements as the falling rain purified them. The only two still standing outside the boundary were Aizen and Ichigo.

Aizen looked around. His lip curled. "You may have thwarted me for the moment, boy, but this petty remedy will not affect the originator of this curse! Next time --"

"There won't be a next time," Ichigo said through gritted teeth. He stepped forward to confront Aizen. "It stops here. This is where I defeat you for once and for all."

In the background he was conscious of Rukia and Orihime muttering to each other. Hopefully they'd have the sense to stay out of it. This was what it all came down to, ultimately: man to man, blade to blade, strength against strength, spirit against spirit --

-- face against mud, apparently, because he seemed to be lying in it and bleeding a lot.

Aizen picked him up from the wet grass with his free hand, dangling him by his collar. "You will make a suitable disciple," he said calmly, "once I have drained the blood from your veins." He brought the feebly struggling Ichigo closer.

"Now," Rukia said, quite distinctly.

There was an approaching whistle. A single beam of light split through Aizen from back to front, piercing through his heart, emerging just in front of Ichigo's nose. It was one of Orihime's little fairies, all strung around with garlic.

Aizen blinked, collapsed, and crumbled to dust, dropping Ichigo in the mud again.

"Ichigo! Are you all right?" Orihime called as she ran towards him, tripping over shinigami in her way. "I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I couldn't let him kill you!"

Rukia took a more leisurely route, checking for fangs on the people she passed. "It seems to be working," she reported.

"Perfect," Ichigo groaned, and passed out.

---

"So," Ichigo said a few days later, as Yoruichi escorted them to the gate back, "everyone's all right? Except for the colds and pneumonia?"

Yoruichi whistled. "Oh, there are a few minor little problems to be sorted out, such as why some people bit other people, or in some cases, why some people _didn't_ bite other people, not to mention enough guilt to sink an ocean liner, but things do seem to be mostly under control. Kira's come round from that little depressive episode. Hinamori and Hitsugaya seem to be getting on much better. Nobody's found out what happened to Tousen Kaname, but it looks as if he had enough sense not to get turned into a vampire in the first place, so I think sleeping dogs may be let lie there."

"But it should all be over?" Rukia queried.

Yoruichi shrugged. "Unless someone was fool enough to save Aizen's ashes and drip blood on them, or experiment with them, or indulge in hideous dark magic with them in attempts to resurrect him. That sort of thing. And everyone else is feeling better, right?" She glanced back at the rest of the group.

"Doing fine," Chad rumbled.

"Absolutely fine," Ishida said happily.

"You're looking very cheerful." Ichigo eyed him suspiciously. "You're sure you are normal again?"

"Totally." Ishida smiled toothily, demonstrating his lack of fangs. "On top of the world."

"Never felt better," Renji added helpfully. "What they call a learning experience."

Ichigo hunched his shoulders and stared forward again. Perhaps he should have got bitten after all.

---


End file.
